…To Number My Days

Teach me to number my days and spend them as I should. Psalm 90:12.

Yes and amen.

Maybe you weren’t expecting an amen at the opening sentence of this paragraph, but this verse resonates. Especially at this halfway point of the year where most of the structure is gone, all the days start blending and I'm mentally preparing for the end of year craze. Most of the plans, goals and calendar entries etched at the start of the years have likely changed. Some, scrapped entirely.

So what good does it do to map it all out anyway? For me, writing things down improves my level of commitment to any particular endeavor. I write out my plan to ensure I've got the details thought out, dates accounted for, priorities adjusted. Ultimately, I want to make sure I'm going to be able to get 'it' done - whatever 'it' is. I need to number my days - literally and figuratively.

Not all of us need to be taught to number our days. Some of us naturally live by lists and plans that align with our purpose and aspirations, we have the end goal in sight…and then there are some who simply wing it each day, going with the flow…wherever that particular day leads...a loose grip on plans.

Where I’m currently settling is right smack dab in the middle - a growing appetite for accurately numbering my days so they satisfy me and my family, while holding a very open hand to what God gives me daily to create, contribute to and consume.

Although my days are already numbered by the Lord, I determine how to best spend each one.

I’m starting every morning with a fresh perspective and less structure than I am used to and it’s been disorienting - in a good way. I’m basking in this season of knowing I am at the halfway point of Rylan being under my roof and my wing, while also knowing that very soon he won’t fit under either anymore. Not the way he does now. Soon enough he’s going to realize he has wings all his own. Soon he might want to start numbering his own days and making plans of his own. It will take me years to let my heart release him, if ever, so I’m trying as best I can to prepare myself now.

You may have already heard that bittersweet truth…’one day you put them down and you never pick them up again’. Lè sigh. Well, it’s true. I’m here, now…living in that moment, digesting it slowly. I’m still gathering up any crumbs that Rylan’s early childhood has left for me. It’s hard and it’s beautiful all at the same time. Yet I find enough crumbs that satisfy deeply. And each new day I’m surprised there are more to grab, even if they are scattered further apart. I wonder if he realizes that every day he leaves these little trails of crumbs behind him that I jump to gather up. Maybe he knows what I am doing - saving these crumbs to feast on one day.

So, I’m committed to numbering my days. Numbering his. Making each one count. I’m gathering every crumb I find. All of ours, really. Savoring each one - amazed at how much a crumb of childhood can satisfy yet knowing a hunger for more will always lurk around the corner. I’m thankful that I have time to spend these days ‘as I should’, knowing they are fleeting. I’m capturing in my heart these times when he still wants to snuggle with me but heaven forbid I kiss him on the cheek in public. Is there any other word than bittersweet to describe such paradox?

Time is a precious, precious gift. I’ve already been given more than I deserve. We don’t get more time on this Earth than we are allotted by God. He doesn’t tell us in advance what number we’ll end at here - and He doesn’t demand we spend it a certain way. So, until that last day comes, I will keep numbering my days, giving thanks for this feast I’ve been given by way of daily crumbs. l continue to seek God’s loving direction as He teaches me how these precious days should be spent - loosening my grip on my plans and opening my hand to His. I know I will never get these days back, but with complete assurance, I know they actually don’t end, but continue on in eternity. We are all just getting started here. It’s never too late to start numbering your days, to take advantage of the gift of spending your time wisely. To change plans and chart a new course…savor the crumbs along the way. They matter, infinity.